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Pranks for the Prof
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Since most college students are freaked the first week or so,
there is extra reason for pushing them over the age -
safely. These really are not that wacked out, but could add further
trauma to the already wide-eyed freshmen.
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Tried and Tested Pranks
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After confirming everyone's names on the
roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics
690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
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After turning on the overhead projector,
clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
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Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a
monocle and carry a riding crop.
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Gradually speak softer and softer and
then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST
SAY?"
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Deliver your lecture through a hand
puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a
high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to
ask *me*, Winky Willy".
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If someone asks a question, walk
silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask,
"Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
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Pick out random students, ask them
questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their
times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
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Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell"
or "Surfin' Bird".
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Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment,
and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
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Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
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Show a video on medieval torture
implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
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Announce "you'll need this",
and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
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Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only
in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
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Start the lecture by dancing and
lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
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Ask occasional questions, but mutter
"as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before
anyone can answer.
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Ask the class to read Jenkins through
Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply
that there will be a quiz.
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Have one of your graduate students
sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
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Address students as "worm".
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Announce to students that their entire
grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that
this could happen at any moment.
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Turn off the lights, play a tape of
crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
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Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration.
Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a
blowtorch.
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Point the overhead projector at the
class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
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Begin class by smashing the neck off a
bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the
bottle's done.
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Have a band waiting in the corner of the
room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and
sing an Elvis song.
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Every so often, freeze in mid sentence
and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward
silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
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Wear a "virtual reality"
helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their
direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
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Mention in passing that you're wearing
rubber underwear.
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Growl constantly and address students as
"matey".
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Devote your math lecture to free verse
about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and
groove".
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Announce that last year's students have
almost finished their class projects.
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Inform your English class that they need
to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output
format statements.
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Bring a small dog to class. Tell the
class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your
"mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the
dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
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Wear a feather boa and ask students to
call you "Snuggles".
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Tell your math students that they must
do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol
you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to
fail students who don't use it.
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Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and
produce eggs at irregular intervals.
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Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce
that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an
office and office hours.
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Have a grad student in a black beret
pluck at a bass while you lecture.
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Sprint from the room in a panic if you
hear sirens outside.
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Give an opening monologue. Take two
minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
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Tell students that you'll fail them if
they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
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Announce that you need to deliver two
lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
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Pass out dental floss to students and
devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
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Announce that the entire 32-volume
Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class.
Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
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Ask students to list their favorite
showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in
your grade book.
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Sneeze on students in the front row and
wipe your nose on your tie.
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Warn students that they should bring a
sack lunch to exams.
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Refer frequently to students who died
while taking your class.
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Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean
suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and
mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
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Jog into class, rip the textbook in
half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T
HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
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