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Job Applications
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During your 4 or more years of University, you will inevitably
hold a few jobs... or more! The most nerve racking and
unknown aspect concerning jobs is the application writing and
interviews. Unfortunately, we can give you no clear
guidelines as to what to say during the interview, except be
honest and don't pretend that you can do things that you
cannot. You will be found out very soon! However,
application writing is quite different, so we provide you with a
sample application for your future reference.
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Sample Application
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NAME:
Insert name.
DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an
offer
and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that
now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE
:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
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